“Why do I have to come back so early, mum?”
“Why so worried, mum?”
“I think you’re overthinking it, mum.”
“How did you find the energy to work and raise 4 girls, mum?”
“Why do you have to clean the house SO often, mum?”
“How did you know that, mum?”
Just some of the questions I posed to my mum as I was growing up, which she’d answered with “Aiya. You’ll understand when you’re a mum.” Sometimes verbally, and other times just by the look on her face. You know that look.
I didn’t really like that answer.
It was like getting told “You’ll understand when you’re older”, which was one of my biggest pet peeves while growing up since it seemed to gloss over my power of imagination and empathy. But, now that I am a little older, I do understand what they meant by that. Some things we do only learn or are able to see when we have had the benefit of more years under our belts.
As for the “You’ll understand when you’re a mum”, yep, mum was right. Even though I’m only 5+ months into my pregnancy, maternal instincts have begun to kick in, and I’ve begun to think and act in ways I had never expected.
Suddenly, I’m extra conscious of the state of my home. Do we need more furniture? Do we need stronger furniture? Is everything clean? The pillows, the curtains, how do I clean them? Do we have what we need? What about storage? Do we have enough storage? Some of these things had never even crossed my mind before. A mere 6 months ago, I would have brushed them off and thought “Meh, no need.”
I think about Keith and my marriage, and what life will be like with this child. Will we be absolutely exhausted? How will we make key decisions? How can we afford to give our family the best we can?
I think about this child. Will I be able to be a good mother? Will I have enough breastmilk? What is his/her personality like? What if he/she is naughty? What if he/she doesn’t like sleeping? (Oh Lord!) What if he/she doesn’t like studying? What will he/she become when they are older? Will he/she have a good circle of friends? Who will he/she marry? What if he/she likes extreme sports where the possibility of injury is high?! Will he/she grow to love God and family, and be generous? What can I do to make sure this happens?
This is only the start of it… And I’m only 5 months in! I haven’t even met my child yet!
So many questions. So many thoughts.
NOW I’m starting to understand why mothers seem to have endless energy and think about their kids all the time.
I’m trying not to think myself into a fit, and Keith does a great job of reminding me to take it a day at a time (hehe funnily enough, I’m usually the one to tell him that!). ALSO, we’re called not to worry because we have the assurance of God’s love for us- for Keith, myself and this child.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Thank You Lord that He will give us the wisdom! And pour grace to fill our human gaps and failures!