I enjoy keeping myself busy. Between work, church, family, friends and home, there’s usually quite a lot to do.
Keith and I have a weekly evening routine after work. Family dinners Mondays, prayer meeting Tuesdays, cell group Fridays, and other items usually pop up to fill the rest of the week and the weekend, like church, catch ups, meetings, household needs, general jalan jalan trips and weddings. When we can, we enjoy cooking at home together and watching Agents of SHIELD, CSI, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and more recently, Castle.
Even when we found out in March that I was pregnant, this routine pretty much continued. I did find myself getting extra tired and I always carried a plastic bag with me wherever I went in case my nausea went past tipping point to actual throwing up.
But on May 28, all that routine went out the window.
I was at my sister’s house in the evening. After dinner, she, my mother and I were catching up on happenings.
All of a sudden, I felt as if I had suddenly lost control of my pee. A gush of fluid came right out, even seeping through my thick black work skirt and onto the dining chair.
I froze, and my mum and sister asked if it was blood. I touched the liquid, and sure enough, it was red.
At that point, I was 11 weeks pregnant.
A flurry of activity ensued and thank God my sister and mother knew exactly what to do. Before I knew it, I was in fresh clothes and being whizzed to the hospital.
I had had a “threatened miscarriage”, according to the doctor. The sack had detached partially from the womb, and some blood had pooled inside. Thankfully, the baby was doing super great, and seemed oblivious to the commotion. It even seemed to wave hello in the scans.
2 days in the hospital, some medication and a butt jab later, I was sent home to rest with instructions to minimize walking and physical activity.
And today, on 17 June, 20 days, more medication and another 2 butt jabs later, I’m still required to rest at home.
I’ve had 3 different points where I thought I was ready to get back into things again, only to have the bleeding intensify, and me having to pull back.
For someone with an independent spirit like myself, the need to depend on others for meals, carrying anything heavier than a light handbag and driving, is… different. It’s humbling and sometimes frustrating, because I’d feel better if I could do it all myself.
And being someone who is used to pushing myself to my limits, knowing that my drive could impact my growing baby right now is… I don’t even know an adjective for it. I need a word that meshes humbling, mindblowing and bewildering.
Yet this love and connection with this child growing inside me, who I’ve really only seen the shape of, is amazing. And justifies all necessary sacrifices. Including independence.
And I know I’m intensely blessed to have a husband, family and friends who are so caring and willing to attend to my needs.
The strange thing is, through this entire experience, I have sensed God’s assurance. Even on that first night when I was rushed to the hospital, I knew that the baby was alright even before the doctor showed up. And yesterday, even after a little more bleeding than usual the night before, baby was happy and chilling out in the gynae scan in the morning.
And through the many hours lying/sitting on the couch at home, journaling, reading the Bible, listening to Bethel and reading Bill Johnson’s Hosting His Presence and Jackie Mize’s Supernatural Childbirth (both HIGHLY recommended), I know I have been given the opportunity to draw closer to Him.
Though I don’t understand it all, and I don’t understand why it’s taking so long to heal, I know that I know that I know that God is good. That He is never late. That He loves me, Keith and this baby. And that He just works in ways that are beyond me.
I love the promise Malachi 3:11 has for all who tithe, that my “vine will not cast her fruit before the time in the field”. Wonderful.
So that’s me for now. Taking it one day at a time because I find it hard to plan anything beyond today, as I usually find out the next day that I made overambitious plans.
Here’s a great song I’ve been listening to by Bethel:
Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. It is well with me.