Spoke too soon?

Hehe I just have to add that after writing up my previous post last night and being all TRALALALA how awesome is this peace I’m feeling, I began going through a big emotional rollercoaster (insecurities popping up etc.). for the entire rest of the night!

lol ooooppesieee.

Sometimes, we just have to be stubborn about feeling peace, don’t we.

Sleeping soundly in the storm

You know what’s funny.

Since finishing my postgrad work on Jan 18 and thinking the world was going to go just perfectly after that, I still have not had ONE DAY where I’ve had no ‘problem’ or ‘issue’ for me to think about.

Let me elaborate.

First, the phone bill (I wrote about this)

Then, sunnies got stolen (yes, my Marc Jacobs from Keith… 5 year anniversary present that he bought me fr Spore)

Then, I realised I had a heck of a lot of lesson planning and photocopy applications to submit

Then, some crazy period where my mind just refused to behave like it should and was wandering all over the place being stubborn and proud and even lost motivation to go to church (the stubbornness and pride issues reoccur very regularly though, trust me)

Then, had a heck of a load of marking to get through that I was running a little behind on

Then, teaching started up again- which always drains energy because you want to give your best, you know? Of course, there are also student attitudes to deal with

Then, a drama mama night with a poor friend who also got pickpocketed, which kinda meant I was even MORE behind on marking

Then, I lost one of my favourite brooches- it just happened to fall out as I was walking on the street

Then, well, today, I went to the library wanting to get books out to do more lesson planning only to discover that apparently I had an overdue book from October that I hadn’t returned, even though I was SO SURE I’d returned ALL my books. I rechecked the teachers room (where I would have kept it), looked around my department, no luck. Went back to the library, looked on the shelves, THEY also came with me to double check a second time… no book. I’m home now… and I sure don’t see no ‘anglais des affaires’ book here either! WHERE ART THOU, BOOK!

What this essentially means is that if I don’t find it, or if the library doesn’t find it, the book needs to be replaced. Also, there’s the little issue of there being 1 day of library account suspension for every 1 day that the book as been overdue i.e. on top of maybe paying for a new book, possibly no borrowing books for the rest of the semester.

Wait.

Yep Hold On.

…

lol

yes

…

EL OH EL.

…

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE SUNSHINE AND SUGARY SWEETNESS YUM!

Hah. YEA RIGHT

…

But I laugh.

Um well, no, more like, I smile (laughing out loud right now as I sit alone in my room would be a little weird)

BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON (actually, more like, GOD), even though if you’d chucked all of this at me 2 years ago I would have been A WORRIED WRECK AND POSSIBLY SO STRESSED TO THE POINT OF CRYING, I feel okay.

More than okay, I feel peace.

I don’t understand it.

I’ve worked myself into a fit over smaller things.

Like, did you know that for the first 4 years of my tertiary education, whenever I received my course outlines with my assessment dates at the start of the year and I penned these nicely into my student diary, I would

(1) Flick through the pages

(2) Widen my eyes at close proximity of all the assessments

(3) Worry about how I was going to survive the year

(4) Hold my student diary and CRY.

Lather rinse and repeat.

Same issue before exams. My sister will tell you.

*sob sob* LIIIINNGGG, I NEED A HUG. I CAN’T DO THIS!!! I CAN’T

Ling: (same words every time.. and they always work) you’ll be fine, Lily. You’re always like this, and you know everything always works out fine.

The point is, I’m naturally a worrier stresser control freak perfectionist want everything to go my way which means perfectly, SO, for me to feel peace through all this is actually HILARIOUS!

When I lost my sunnies (was out with Gen at the time) (and I think that was a real crucial moment in beginning this ‘peace momentum’), I realised I had a decision to make. One, freak out worry and complain, or Two, get on with things and realise there is nothing I can do but keep going forward and trust that God is a just and a fair God who works ALL things for the good of those who love Him.

Um. Has the Holy Spirit been working on my heart or something?

HECK YA IT SEEMS SO. COS THIS AIN’T USUALLY ME, MATE.

So can I just say…

WOW.

WOW to God and His awesomeness

WOW to how gently and effectively He teaches us

WOW to how it’s possible to feel peace (and JOY) even when circumstances JUSTIFY feeling crud, bitter and sorry for yourself

(Sidenote to God though: Um.. yep so I know You’re allowing things to happen to teach me to have peace and stuff  in all circumstances right.. that’s cool. But yea. You know it’d be extra cool if we found the book right. And I’d be happy too if you stopped this drama mamaness now… I think I kinda geddit? but as You see fit, I suppose.. maybe there’s more to learn. Oh dear. Slight moment of worry there. Stop it Lily.

And… as for the sunnies, God… Well, SURPRISE ME )

Random bits and bops

Just wanted to put up a few random photos today. Proper update due soon… lots has been happening..

But for now, photos:

(1) This is me the night before my linguistics research papers were due… at like 2am or something.. (don’t diss my nana pullover, my grandma had it hand knit for me!)

I just needed something to bite on to release all that pent up stress, so I grabbed an entire capsicum and started eating it like I would a fruit.

Little kerahzee I know…

2) Another gourmande/ food photo: here’s me with MURUKU that Sheela’s mum made nyam yam yaaaaaaaam!

3) Also, after watching Avatar in 3D (SO AWESOME BTW), Sazzler and Miche came over for dinner. I made chicken curry. Success!

We decided it’d be a good idea to include my eye mask (who usually lives in my fridge) in the photo too..

3) I got a free gift from my local pharmacy- a little pill keychain that you can twist and put pills into!

I think its PRETTTTYYYY BRILLIANT.

Yep.. REAAAALLY random bits and bops right. No flow in this post AT ALL.

Back to marking… still a whole stack to get through…

Comin’ through

Started running/jogging again (put two options in, since my ‘running’ probably constitutes come of you’s ‘jogging’)

I like waking up sore, cos it means I’ve applied myself to something wholeheartedly the day before…

My pace and stamina haven’t been great. I’m feeling the effects of not having run in a long time. But for once, here my stubbornness plays a positive role- because when my body says NOOO, my indignant mind replies I DON’T CARE!!!

Running in winter is interesting though.

I love heading out in shorts and my standard Supre racer back singlet, but this is obviously not possible when it’s 2 degrees outside.

Since I don’t have proper running pants or some long sleeved running top to wear, what I basically do is LAYER clothes on. Fashion goes out the door. It’s just a matter of keeping warm. Sometimes I find I even look a little homeless.

So when I’m making my way to the river side (where I run), I find it quite funny how I STICK OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB on my street and attract strange gazes from passers by.

Let me try to paint the picture for you:

My apartment’s on a large street in a posh area called Foch (hence why I can only afford to rent a room here and not an entire apartment). Think: pretty cars, shop windows displaying goods I cannot afford to buy e.g. 6000E boots, women dressed really nicely, the occasional fur coat etc. etc.

AND THEN HERE COMES LILY IN HER RUNNING GEAR (dooop dee dooop doop prancing along with ipod blasting some doof doof music)

COMMINGG THROUGHH!

Plain beanie, 2 tops underneath a Just Jeans (yeh NZ) purple hoodie, thick black tights underneath a pair of black shorts, and ankle length blue socks peeping out of my Nike Free’s. Can you feel the BOOM of all that cotton and clashing colors next to some French lady walking her little pooch wearing an expensive-as coat and leather heeled boots?

At least here I ran with my contacts on. Today I just went out with my spectacles and no make up.

I think it’s rare enough that I’m Asian. Even that alone is normally enough to attract some curious gazes. But a funnily dressed Asian with running shoes?

I giggle to myself when I see surprised facial expressions and analytical stares.

Foch, you know I rock your world. You’re gonna miss me when I’m no longer here.

Peace involves surrender

On Monday the 18th of January, I finished the last of the requirements of my postgraduate studies. I.e. no more studying full time + working full time AT THE SAME TIME.

(time. time time time.. TIME)

You know I thought that as soon as I finished, I would feel as free as a bird- tons more time to myself, more opportunities to travel and to explore this beautiful continent etc. etc. Why I wouldn’t have anything else to worry about. I only had to focus on work.

Right?

I mean, right?

Well.

NOPE.

NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOOOOOOPPE.

In that space in my brain that used to be occupied by ‘Honours worries’, now live ‘financial budgeting worries’, ‘(more) teaching worries’, and can you even believe it, ‘travel planning worries’.

Which confirms my suspicions really.

I’m still naturally a freakin independent soul who WORRIES, who relies on herself and gets easily caught up with circumstances.

Like right now, I’m worrying about a phone bill that just arrived in the mail, even though there’s nothing to actually worry about! I have enough to pay for it, it’s not more expensive than I expected, YET I feel anxious about it.

Oh for goodness sake Lily. Stop worrying and give thanks.

So here I go.

• Thank You God for loving me for me. I don’t know how You do it. How you think I am worth Your love and time and effort. I’d be so tired of myself by now. Thank You for seeing in me what I often do not see in myself.
• Thank You that You have helped me deal with a lot of my insecurities- especially that worry about what people think (I mean, I have some SERIOUS PEOPLE PLEASING tendancies don’t I). I have such a long way to go with this, but You’re obviously not giving up on me. From strength to strength You take me. Day by day You refine me and mould me. Even though I struggle and scream and fight with You, You are gentle with me. Always gentle with me. You do know how to deal with me best, God. You do.
  
• Thank You that even though I get paranoid and obsessed about finances, I have actually never lacked, because God, You have always provided for me. Even during moments where it hasn’t made sense to get by. God, You are not stingy. It’s impossible for You to be.
  
• Thank You that You know how the next few months are going to go for me. That You’re already aware of decisions I’m going to make, including mistakes I’m going to make. You discipline me, yet You also actively work things so that they turn out in my favour at the end of the day.
• Thank You for never leaving me. You are my most constant companion and friend. Even though I sometimes ignore You or forget You are there, You never ever ever leave me. You just stay by my side until I remember to turn to where You are and see You again.
• Thank You for Your grace and mercy. I have not appreciated it enough. You give me so much more than my actions and heart deserve, God. You are SO gracious and SO merciful. It’s freakin crazy when I stop to think about it. Thank You so much.
  
• Thank You that even though my heart is still anxious right now (OBVIOUSLY IT’S NOT CATCHING ONTO THE WHOLE- GIVE THANKS TO GOD, SURRENDER YOUR BURDENS THING- THAT I AM TRYIIING TO DO. HELLO EMOTIONS. CATCH ON. GET WITH THE SPIRIT SLOWCOACH), I don’t have to live by my emotions right? Cos I have a spirit too. And I can live by that, not by my feelings.

ALRIGHT I CAN’T DO IT ON MY OWN OKAY THIS WORRY ANXIOUS FEELING STINKS I NEED YOUR PEACE!

I’m ready… I think.

I’m ready to admit that I can function on my own, but at nowhere near the capacity I could if I partnered with Him.

I’m ready to, AGAIN, start afresh with my priorities and make more effort to ensure He stays on top of the list.

I’m ready for 1.5 weeks of loss of control, good-ol-fashioned hard work, His grace, mercy and discipline.

I KNOW He doesn’t give me more than I can handle.

I KNOW He is for me and not against me.

I KNOW His plans for me are good and not for evil.

I KNOW He loves me with a kind of love I myself am incapable of demonstrating because it’s just so pure and totally unselfish .

I KNOW He is all powerful and nothing is impossible for Him.

And I know, that if it had not been for these stormy circumstances that He has allowed to happen and that I am currently in the MIDDLE OF, I would not have the privilege to go through this period of refinement by fire.

Plants have to be pruned.

Metals are best refined.

Snip snip snip cut cut cut clean clean clean

mmm. Flesh not happy. Spirit very calm.

twenty two and emo

I am usually a happy camper just chugging along on my own. I’m the type that sees no wrong in going to grab a coffee in a nice café by myself, exploring a city on my own, shopping by myself… generally I’m pretty happy going solo even though I do love being around people too.

Since arriving in Europe, I’ve had moments missing Keith and my family here and there, but I don’t think it’s ever been like today.

Whilst doing dishes in the kitchen, I thought about why… and then I realised. This is my first time celebrating my birthday away from family (by this, I mean my parents and siblings- because fortunately I’m with my lovely cousins in Liverpool right now). Though I have travelled in the past too, circumstances have always worked out that I have been home for Christmas and my birthday.

We take things for granted very easily don’t we. Then only when things change do we come to a real appreciation of what was.

I guess I’m not as happy a solo-camper as I thought and that my parents, my sisters and Keith are more precious to be than I have ever been aware of.

Cherish your loved ones and do more special things for them. I know I still have a lot more room to improve in this area.

Hope you all had a fabulous Christmas